This is me.
This is me at eight years old with no front teeth and in my favorite dress standing next to an elephant in Kenya. At my happiest because I was in the wild. In true nature. The free spirit in me completely ignited. This is the real me.
But first, a confession:
I have had a lot to say the past week and have had absolutely no desire to speak on it.
It is one of those times in my life when the words fill up in my head like a symphony orchestra and yet I just listen, allow myself to feel, and then let the music die down. To be honest, it’s the plight of most writers. Either the tap is overflowing or the sink runs dry. Words are like the humble stream, breaking the banks with water during the rainy months and hardly covering the rocks in the dry season.
But when they come, they come.
And the truth is, I didn’t write. Not because I didn’t feel like it, not because I didn’t have the words, but because I was wallowing in my own self pity.
Two weeks ago I received the “rejection letter” letting me know my book would not be published by the big publishing house I was hoping for.
Just as Lebron James felt as he walked off the court yesterday after losing the NBA Finals, I felt the same crushing blow to the chest as I read over the email time and time again. I know what it feels to be riding high, to feel like it’s all working out in your favor and then to have the rug pulled from under you.
Negative words begin to fill your head like “maybe I am not a writer.”
Or you throw in the towel. Or you just let the world keep spinning and go back within your shell.
But then you wake up and take a walk and the fresh air hits you. Then you think about all the people that fell and then stood back up.
Even this is part of the path. Even the fall is part of the journey. Get up. Wake up. Keep going.
Last weekend, I stumbled upon one of my favorite movies from my childhood: The Sound of Music.And as I watched the scene below, I felt my heart open up and the salty tears fall from my face:
Because I finally realized why I was so in love with this movie as a child. Because it finally hit me, my path, my passion, my life purpose.
In the words, “I go to the hills when my heart is lonely, I know I will hear what I heard before,” I remembered how much I loved sitting in nature when I was young. How the trees and the mountains and the birds would all sing to me. “With songs they have sung for a thousand years.” This connection to the mountains and trees and earth spirits was just the beginning of a lifelong journey for me. One that has shown me how we are all divinely connected. Every animal, every plant, every human, every leaf, every whisper in the wind. Everything is connected and everything is part of a greater whole.
The song “The Sound of Music,” made me realize the music that lies in my heart…the words, the books I have half finished, the poems I have half written, and now this book that I have half published.
The tears reminded me of my worth.
The words reminded me to keep on writing, to never stop chasing my dreams of becoming a published author.
“My heart will be blessed with the sound of music. And I’ll sing once more.”
So I am getting back up. I’ve got the pen in my hand. And it might take me some time. But I will never give up on my dreams.