I didn’t want to write this for a long time.
But today, staring down at Mishka’s big brown eyes I decided it was time to me to share this, in the hopes that it will give others hope in a time of need.
When I was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian syndrome and the. endometriosis, I was spoken to like a defected toy. Every doctor, every nurse told me how difficult it was going to be to get pregnant. They warned me of my slim chances, but assured me there were all kinds of new technologies now that could help us conceive.
Life after the surgery…
After the laparoscopic surgery for Endometriosis, my insides were in shambles. I was swollen and hurting and bleeding. In those dark times the thought of having a baby was so foreign to me that if you asked me about it, I would have laughed. I pretended I never wanted kids. I judged people that had kids at a young age, before they had worked on their “careers.” I told everyone I was just enjoying “married life.” But inside I was crying, wishing that one day I would have the chance to have a beautiful baby in my arms. I thought of all the hurdles I would have to jump through to get pregnant. Most of all I just thought about my failing body. The PCOS made my mood fluctuate dramatically. One minute I was happy, the next I was violently angry. I had gained weight and I had acne. My PCOS would make me crave sugar and unable to stop myself from eating more and more. It was a silent disease that turned me into a monster.
The Endometriosis left me in constant pain. Painful periods, painful surgery, pain, pain, pain. Doctors found adhesions on my bowels, uterus, and bladder. Which helped me understand why I always had digestive and urinary problems. Endometriosis is a chronic disease, it never goes away. There is no cure.
The heaviness of a combined diagnosis of Endometriosis and PCOS was very jarring for me. At the same time I was diagnosed with HPV and they found I was only one step away from cervical cancer. The CIN-3 cells had spread right across my cervix. I underwent more surgeries in my womb. Two LEEP procedures later and I lay helplessly in the fetal position in my room.
There was a DEEP need for healing in me.
I was broken, hurt, and scared. Because of all my illnesses, I regarded myself as worthless and useless and small. In time the wounds were healing but my soul was not.
One day I woke up and realized no one could do the healing but me. I could read all the books, I could watch all the YouTube videos, I could join every support group but no one was going to do the healing work but ME! So I decided to start to make lifestyle changes. The first thing so did was cut out birth control. I had been on birth control for almost 10 years. My body didn’t even know how to get back to normal and it took a full year for my period to start coming back on a regular cycle.
Later, I decided to invested in a Traditional Chinese Doctor and started on a regime of herbs for my PCOS. To this day I believe the herbs are a huge reason why I ovulated. In addition, I focused on alternative healing remedies that helped my body, mind and spirit heal. Want to know what I did? Join my group coaching calls for Endo and PCOS sisters. Email me to learn more.
I forgot about getting pregnant.
I actually focused on ME and my health. Then suddenly in January 2015, a few weeks into trying to conceive, my husband and I found out we were pregnant! With screwy ovaries, hormonal problems, a womb covered in scars, and a problem with ovulating I had done it! But the biggest part of it was letting go and simply believing that someday it would happen. I want to share my full Infertility journey with you.
A few months ago I was honored to be a guest Beat Infertility, a podcast for women going through Infertility journeys.
Listen To My Interview on Beat Infertility.
I know that motherhood is a sweet and beautiful blessing. As a message to you, dear reader, I want you to know that wherever you are on your journey, please stay positive and be Gentle with yourself. We cannot control much in life. But we can choose to heal inside. It starts with us looking within and saying “I am ready to be healed: mind, body and soul.”