The Movie In My Mind

The other night I had a dream. I was in a dark house and I was being chased by masked people carrying big, white, flashy guns. My heart was beating fast,my hands were sweating, I wanted to scream but no words would come out of my mouth. It was terrifying.

I woke up in a cold sweat, searching around the room from under my covers, half expecting some man to jump out of the shadows ready to gun me down.

My dreams have always been vivid, since as long as I remember.

I used to dream about falling. That was a big one. I would be standing at the edge of a cliff, all of a sudden I would stumble, find myself lunging forward and then I am going down. Falling, falling, there is no end in sight.

Another dream I used to have was being in an indoor swimming pool. All of a sudden the ceiling stards coming down on me. The room is getting smaller and smaller. Next thing I know I am trapped under water. I can’t breath. I am running out of oxygen. Right before I feel like I can’t breath an longer…I wake up.

Dreams. They are crazy things. What are they all about?

A few years ago I started getting into dream interpretation. I have bought books, I have read online postings. These fleeting subconscious moments- filled with vivid color- they have to mean something. There has to be a reason.

I believe our subconscious is always trying to tell us something.

After a little research I began to discover a lot about myself through these dreams.

My youthful dreams about falling are dreams about failure.

According to Dream Moods: “falling is an indication of insecurities, instabilities, and anxieties. You are feeling overwhelmed and out of control in some situation in your waking life.”

Meanwhile- my dreams about the swimming pool? More emotions and anxiety:

Dream Moods says: “To dream that you are swimming, suggests that you are exploring aspects of your unconscious mind and emotions. The dream may be a sign that you are seeking some sort of emotional support. It is a common dream image for people going through therapy.

To dream that you are swimming underwater, suggests that you are completely submerged in your own feelings. You are forcing yourself to deal with your emotional difficulties.”

And so I learned not to bottle up my emotions. I learned the importance of letting go and not expecting I was just going to fail.

Anxiety is still something that I battle with on a day to day basis. I am worried about this, I am nervous about that.

Did you know that 29% of Americans suffer from anxiety?

For those of you who battle anxiety you know what a terrible demon it is. How it can paralyze you with fear.

And anxiety attacks are the worst. It starts with a tingle in my feet and hands. And then they become numb. My stomach hurts, my chest gets tight, my breathing starts to speed up. The world starts to go a little blurry and I swear I am dying. I feel consumed with negativity, like literally a dark force is ascending upon me. My palms are sweaty, my mouth is dry. It is the worst feeling in the world.

Doctors have offered me drugs but I have refused. This is a battle I must face alone.

And the dreams…the dreams seem to help.

It is almost like they are forcing my to confront things I may have been hiding from.

Most of my anxieties come out of situations I don’t want to deal with. But by not dealing, I end up not healing.

And so my brain says, “No, stop. Learn from this. Move on.”

Those attackers in my dreams? With the guns? They were people in my life who have been stabbing me in the back lately. They are people in my life consumed with negativity and hatred. And I see them clearly in my dreams. They might be masked but I know who they are.

They come to me at night, they try to pull me down. They stab me in the back.

So this time when I woke up from this attacker dream, staring at the ceiling, I processed the dream that I just had. And then  I said to my brain, “I know. I know.”

Because I didn’t need the dream to tell me this time. And I have since removed these people from my life.

But I still enjoy closing my eyes when I go to bed, and preparing myself for the next soul cleansing film that I am going to watch in the movie in my mind.